Today, Tomorrow Or Ever
by JMS6
Summary: "You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you'll be in my heart." Remus Lupin's friends think he's betrayed them all. He must leave them and his lover, taking his unborn child with him. Mpreg!
1. When can I see you?

**A/N -** Hey people! This is the one named after a hat. I realise I've never posted anything in this genre before, so I thought I'd start now.

This is SLASH people, which means... well, you guys know, right?

Pairings: SBRL, JPLE

Music for this chapter: Torchwood soundtrack - Death of Toshiko

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**Chapter One: When can I see you?**

_When can my heart beat again_

_When does the pain ever end_

_When do the tears stop from running over_

_When does "you'll get over it" begin_

_I hear what you're saying_

_But I swear that it's not making sense_

_So when can I see you_

**James Potter:**

It made me sick. This man, this man I had trusted with my friendship, my family, this man that we would have all walked through fire for had betrayed me? Had betrayed us? I wanted to deny the poisonous thoughts entering my mind, but the evidence was spread clearly for us all to see across the battered table.

We had given him our friendship...our love...and he just betrayed us like everything we had done was for nothing. Like the Marauders were nothing.

I looked around, at the pale figures with heavy expressions littered around the room. I looked to my left, and words failed me. Streams of bitter tears tracked down Lily's face as she shakily held the proof in her hand, the one letter that proved beyond all doubt that it had to be him, it had to be Remus, it had to be our friend that was the traitor. Her eyes met mine, and I looked away first. I couldn't stand to see the shadows in her eyes. The resignation that I already felt wrapped its bittersweet tendrils around my heart.

'Well then.' They said. 'Now you finally know the truth.'

I had wanted to know the truth. I had worked night and day to uncover the traitor, Sirius and I vowing never to rest until we had wormed out the coward lowly enough to sell out his friends-

Sirius. At that moment I hated Remus Lupin so much that my body shook from trying to contain it. He hadn't only betrayed his friends...he betrayed Sirius. Sirius, who had loved him with all the reckless abandon he would put into pranks in the golden years at Hogwarts. Had loved him with every inch of his black Gryffindor heart. I could barely stand to, but I knew that I had to turn to my right.

So I did.

He wasn't shaking. The only movement I could see was him desperately mouthing one word over and over again, unable to get it past his lips. He was silently screaming.

"No!" His eyes darted manically around the room, searching for a lifeline to prevent him from spiralling out of control. I could see in his eyes the moment when it dawned upon him that there was no rescue, no safety. I could see him break as his brain slowly began to accept what his heart never could.

"No." Whispered. A prayer to the gods of fate. A prayer that would go unanswered.

Across from me I saw the small, squat form of our fellow marauder, Wormtail's watery eyes fixed on the aged table top. He wouldn't meet my eyes, clearly terrified. He always was.

Not like Remus, who never seemed scared around others. Remus, who would rather die than lose his self control, the only dignity afforded him in an age where dark creatures are more persecuted than ever. His fear could be seen in the soft glances he would send Sirius whenever he thought he wasn't looking. The ones where he seemed to be trying to hold Sirius in place with sheer force of will.

But they were all lies. The (supposedly) quiet, well-mannered prankster from our youth who was always ready to help with a prank or two (as long as we finished our homework on time THIS week) could never have betrayed his friends like this, could never have betrayed Sirius like this.

Maybe we never knew him at all.

We all started when Albus rose from the head of the table, and spoke in a hard, brittle voice. "Gentlemen, as you can see-" He broke off, and I looked away. I had never thought that I would see our esteemed former headmaster weep. It seemed wrong somehow. "Something must be done."


	2. Love takes hostages

**Chapter two: Love takes hostages.**

"_Have you ever been in love?_

_Horrible isn't it?_

_It makes you so vulnerable._

_It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up._

_You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life..._

_You give them a piece of you._

_They didn't ask for it._

_They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore._

_Love takes hostages._

_It gets inside you._

_It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness."_

**Sirius Black:**

My life, up till leaving Hogwarts, had been mainly predictable. At Hogwarts there were lessons, pranks, Quidditch, and the Marauders, which near the end of our seventh year then included the now Mrs Potter (Unofficially, of course.) And Moony. Mustn't forget Moony.

My Moony.

My feelings for him had begun sometime during our fourth year, I had worked out. It wasn't really that big of a deal. I didn't wake up one morning, see my good ol' mate Remus and think, 'MINE!' It took me a while to finally realize that, 'No, my feelings for my lycanthropic friend and fellow prankster weren't quite platonic, and I wouldn't mind awfully if the two of us were to become an item of sorts.' My fans were devastated.

It wasn't even something I thought about. They were just a part of me, my feelings for Remus. My name was Sirius Black, I had five fingers on each hand, I had grey eyes and I was madly, hopelessly in love with one Remus J. Lupin.

But then we left Hogwarts, and everything became a bit less kind.

The war started. We all joined the Order of the Phoenix, together, like we always had done. Me, Remus, James, Peter and Lily.

Then came Harry.

We were all delighted of course. James and Lily made me his Godfather.

And then something shifted. The enemy seemed to be guessing our every move before it was made. Accusations were being made, fingers pointed.

It was clear that whosoever the spy was, they would have to be someone close to the Potters, as it seemed to be they that the Death Eaters were tracking.

I think I hurt Remus, spending so much time searching for the traitor with James. He made himself sick with worry over us, even more so then after the terrible incident in our Fifth year. Since then I had never seen him look at me with as much pain in his eyes as he did on the nights I came home after another day of failure. I knew that I was taking it personally, but I had to know. I had to know who was betraying us.

"I'm scared, Padfoot." He murmured to me one breezy night, as I held him after yet another horrific full moon. "Scared that one day you'll go too far. That you'll never come home again." He sat up, the light of the waning moon illuminating the bandages snaked around his torso. He turned to face me, and stared deep into my eyes. He slowly lifted one fragile hand to my face as I took his other in mine and twined our fingers together. I pressed my forehead against his. "I'll never leave you, Moony. Never." He closed his eyes, and we lay together, side by side holding each other.


	3. Please don't listen

**Chapter three: Please don't listen.**

_Please don't listen_

_To what I'm gonna tell you_

_Look in my eyes and know_

_I simply had to give up_

_But I didn't let go without struggle_

_You know, I still love you_

_It's just, just one of those things_

**Lily Potter:**

Having a secret is hard. Having somebody else's secret entrusted to you is even harder.

Remus and I had always been good friends. Not like the Marauders...never like that...but he was special to me. When we joined the war effort, we became even closer.

We both had the misfortune to fall in love with the same sort of man. The sort that gives no thought to his own safety. The sort that never, ever thinks things through and always goes to battle without a thought for the consequences.

They both thought that they were protecting us. So they didn't think to protect themselves. I can't count the number of times when I've cut down a death eater about to attack James from behind whilst he fought for me. I can't count the number of times I've seen Remus do the same.

So it was Remus who helped me to St Mungo's to learn if I was truly pregnant. It was Remus who calmed me down when James did yet another idiotic act that had me questioning my very sanity for agreeing to be his wife. (And it was Remus who always knew the answer, 'Because I loved him. Because I didn't want to be without him. Because he made me happy.')

And this experience gave us a special understanding of each other. So I couldn't help but realise that something was clearly off about him when he asked me in a roundabout manner to accompany HIM to St Mungo's. I held his hand when they gave him the news that in eight months he too would have a baby that would be a part of both him and Sirius.

He looked so happy. I understood how he felt.

But he wouldn't let me tell anybody. "Not yet Lily." He had said. "I want to tell Padfoot, and Prongs and Wormtail and all of the others." He sighed, and looked me in the eyes. I could see something unexplained in them. Like an unfinished sentence... or a secret.

"I just need to check something first." He pressed on, unheeding of the rain that slowly pattered down all around us.

One thought ran through my mind. 'What aren't you telling me?' It went unvoiced. Whatever Remus needed to do was his own business, not mine.

"Be safe." I ordered as he waited patiently at the edge of the shields of our headquarters for me to finish. He gave me a courteous half nod, and then he apparated away, the space where he previously occupied swiftly filled with the falling rain.

It was only when I entered the kitchen that I saw the pile of battered letters on the worn table. I lowered myself down onto a chair next to James, eyeing the rest of them cautiously.

Albus turned to me from his seat at the head of the table, and his pale eyes were full of regret. I fingered the wand in my pocket nervously as he passed me one of the sheets of parchment in the centre of the table.

"James," I enquired as loudly as I dared as he stared off into space, ridged in his seat. I took his hand and attempted to relax his death grip of the edge of our table. "What's this about?"

"I'm sorry." My eyes snapped back to Albus again like I was at school and he was about to give a speech. "I'm so sorry."

All eyes were on me but James'. I lowered my gaze to the parchment in my hand...

My mind went blank, and tears began to fall unbidden from my eyes.

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**AN:** Hello everyone! Just a quick reminder: I OWN NOTHING!

Also, if you read this story, I do hope that you enjoy it. If not...well I'm very sorry. What would help would be if you could tell me how to improve? You know, it does take a while to write these, and it only takes a few seconds to write a review. You don't even need to sign in! Just...please. Jess and I have just started out, and we really need some encouragement right now.


	4. Everything I want to say

**Chapter four: Everything I want to say.**

_You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore_

_and please believe me when I say_

_it's not that I don't want to,_

_it's just that everything I want to say_

_I can't tell you anymore._

**Peter Pettigrew:**

I never thought this would happen to me. I was never the popular one at Hogwarts, always in the background, never given a chance to show that I was every bit the marauder James and Sirius were. I was the one who persuaded Snivellus to go and talk to Sirius in the Fifth year when Sirius played that prank with the whomping willow. I was the one who would scout around the castle when we were transformed. Yet whenever people thought of the marauders, it was always Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and the tag-along.

After one battle, I was captured by the death eaters. I was held in a dark space where I barley had room to breathe. I never knew how long i was down there; I only remember screaming inside my mind. For all I knew, they had just locked me in a box and left me. And then they came for me. They took me away from my personal hell and they helped me.

Helped me realise how foolish I'd been up 'til then. They opened my eyes to the sick world I had believed in. They taught me the truth of the wizarding world; there is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it.

There was no point on refusing them. I was just too tired to resist. There was no point, no how of ever defeating him. I did as they asked of me. True, I barely went on any missions, and I was a mere spy, but I still felt that they appreciated my talents more than James or Sirius ever had.

They never even thought to ask where I was going, or what I was doing. They barely noticed I had left half the time.

Apart from the werewolf. It started a few weeks ago, and since then, whenever I turn rounding can see him there. He is always watching me, the filthy creature. I want to shout at him, to shatter that calm facade he puts up for the rest when I know he burns constantly in rage. I have known werewolves, true werewolves not tame ones like Lupin. They are always ready to rip your throat out if you look at them the wrong way. I know that Lupin could do the same. But he hides his true nature from the rest of the order. In a way he is as much of a liar as I am. Yet he could not do as I have done.

However, we were becoming concerned that the Werewolf was a dangerous ally for the enemy to have, and he was beginning to suspect one of their best spies. Really, he had no chance. I framed him. I forged evidence, documents, I altered records, I did everything in my power to make it seem as though it was Lupin that was the traitor rather than I.

And it made me happy to think how he was soon going to be brought down to the level were he belonged.

So I suppressed the voice in my head, of the small, underdeveloped unappreciated boy I had been. The voice that was crying every time I hammered another nail into Lupin's coffin.

I'm doing this for US. For myself, and for the boy I used to be; the tag along.


	5. Don't hold my hand

**Chapter six: The reason my world fell apart**

_You're the one who broke my heart,_

_You're the reason my world fell apart,_

_You're the one who made me cry,_

_Yet I'm still in love with you_

_And I don't know why._

**Sirius Black:**

It was my fault that he didn't love me; that I wasn't enough to keep him on our side.

I had fled the meeting room, knowing only that I had to get away, the shouts of the Order still ringing in my ears. I made it to the Potter's bathroom, and stumbled on the tiles, falling hard on my knees. I hung my head and watched my tears fall onto the bath mat. I lay on curled up on the kitchen floor.

My hand beat out an irregular rhythm, tapping as each thought raced through my mind. It was like I was an outsider looking in, crippled by the one thing I had never expected.

The realisation that all I knew about the man I loved was a lie embedded itself in my heart, and was there in the background of my conscience.

It hadn't been a clean break. It had severed a part my very being, and shattered my heart beyond repair.

I couldn't even move.

_"Sirius-"_

_"No! James...it just can't be him! No...I don't believe it!"_

_"But you must, Sirius. This is what he is hoping for. He has worked his way into our hearts, until he is so close that any accusations of treachery are dismissed without examination. But we cannot afford that luxury now! Lupin is the spy, and we need a plan of attack!"_

_"I'll play no part in this, Albus."_

But of course he is the spy. It makes horrible, awful sense. He really was to good to be true. Why would someone like him want someone like me?

And that wasn't even the worst part.

_"Albus,"_

_"Lily?"_

_"Re-Lupin is...pregnant, he's two months along; I was just at St. Mungo's with him."_

A baby. We had a baby, and he still couldn't love me. The hard angles of the tiles pressed into my back, and I welcomed the pain. It provided a distraction from my racing mind.

I couldn't stop remembering. I remembered all of it, the good times, the bad times and the times when I just wanted to cry it was so perfect. All my experiences with Remus were playing back to me even though I tried desperately to stop them. I didn't want them to become tainted with the new revelation about him, but they were.

Blood from my hand trickled sluggishly from my left knuckle in a small stream down my hand. It probably hadn't been a good idea to punch Mad-eye, but he deserved it.

_"Albus, we have a problem."_

_"Aside from the obvious?"_

_"Well, Albus, let's just say it's a mighty good thing for Lupin that he is carrying a child and a very bad turn of events for us."_

_"What do you mean, Mad-eye?"_

_"Well Mr Potter, would you attack a man if he was holding a baby hostage?"_

_"Alastor, I don't like what you are implying."_

_"I'm not implying, I saying that Lupin is desperate enough to use his own child as a hostage."_

_"Then we will have to take the child from him."_

So I ran.

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**AN:** Hello people! Please, please, please review? It only takes you a second, and you don't even need to sign in, but it really, really helps me to know what people think of my writing. Seriously guys, please?


	6. The reason my world fell apart

**Chapter five: Don't take my hand**

_No more crying, I can't cry anymore._

_Don't take my hand this time._

_Just go please and don't look back,_

_because I know if you did, I'd come running back to you..._

_and I can't do that._

**Lily Potter:**

I woke to the shock of an empty bed. I was momentarily disorientated, then I regained my bearings. Of course. James was getting ready to face Remus. I sat up, wrapped the duvet around me, and dug the heels of my hands into my eyes to alleviate the impending headache I could feel throbbing behind my eyes. It didn't work. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let my bitter tears fall. My pain was surely nothing compared to that of the Marauders. I could hear James outside the room, and the soft coos of our son.

Harry.

Oh Harry, why would Remus do this to us? Then again, it is true what they say; once a wizard turns to the dark side, there's nothing and no one that matters to him anymore. But why did it have to be Remus? They were happy, he and Sirius, they WERE.

A horrible thought then occured to me. Sirius was...well, he wasn't in a very good place. If the baby was taken from Remus, who's to say that it would would be given to Sirius? If that happened, the baby, by wizarding law, had to be passed to its closest relatives. And that meant...

No. They wouldn't. Because the baby's closest relatives would have to be the Black's.

Who knows what they would do to the half-blooded child of the Black family disgrace?

If we took the child, we would be effectively killing it; or at least handing it to the devil.

Well, better the devil you know then the devil you don't.

I knew what I would have to do. I couldn't let them defeat Remus, and I couldn't let them take the baby. That would mean I would have to commit treason. And I would have to do it alone; I won't drag anyone else into this with me. Not that many of my friends would help me. Most of them now hate Remus. Or at least, they say that they do. They confuse the pain of loss, of betray, to hate. And that includes James. So I can't let him know that I'm doing this. I will have to move quickly.

Mentally mapping my plan out in my head, I thanked my lucky stars that I would be alone today. I could go to Remus' flat (which Sirius was currently in the process of vacating) and warn him. My insides squirmed with guilt, and fear. I was letting a death eater go free. I was committing treason.

No. I've made my choice. All that's left is to...implement it. I'm not certain I'm making the right decision. As I felt James' arms around me, and the warmth of his breath on my neck, I barely concealed a sob. But I did. I would be strong for Sirius. And for the baby.

I'm so sorry James. But I have to do this. I can't let you hurt a baby; I won't have that on your conscience. Not if I can prevent it.

"Are you...okay?" The unusual hesitance in James' voice drew me back into the present, and to the baby in my arms.

"I'm fine, James." I turned to him and smiled weakly, my heart sinking at his incredulous expression.

"Lily," he breathed. "I know you're worried about-"

"Don't." I overrode him flatly. "I don't want to hear his NAME. I'm fine, James. He made his choice."

The sorrow in my husband's eyes made me regret my words, but I couldn't take them back. We both knew that they were true. Instead, I turned my eyes to Harry, who was grumbling softly in my lap, and strangely preoccupied with his toes. James and I chuckled slightly as he captured his left foot in his mouth, and James' arms tightened around me.

"I'll see you later then." His hand, which had been resting on my shoulder, moved up to cup my cheek, and he drew me in for a bittersweet kiss which somehow managed to communicate what we were struggling to put into words.

**Be safe.**

**I'm sorry. **

**It's not your fault. **

"Go back to sleep." He muttered, taking Harry in his arms and rising off the bed. "I'll drop Harry off with the Weasleys." He pocketed his wand, which had previously rested on the bedside table, and retreated out of the bedroom. I buried my face in the pillows, and prayed that they muffled my anguish from my family.

I heard the front door shut gently.

I was now alone. More alone then I had even been before.


End file.
